Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
