I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
