Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
