The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
