I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
