i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
