Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
