i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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