just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
