I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
