When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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