My friends, they love my intelligence
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
