Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
