If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
