That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
