So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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