My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
