Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
