Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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