Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
