Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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