like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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