took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
