I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
