Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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