The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
