You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
