why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
