My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
