The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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