i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
