im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
