Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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