turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
