Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
