you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My vagina just clenched in fear
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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