between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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