hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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