omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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