On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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