dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
