she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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