the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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