Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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