I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
