God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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