You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
