im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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