Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
