I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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