It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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