i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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