You just made me feel so damn special
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
